Updated: Mar 15
Here we are again on the first Sunday of the month with another short story.
I post one every month as a thank you to all of you wonderful readers.
And as always a grateful thank you to my amazing editor Liane at Mystic Canyon Publishing.
Hope you enjoy the stories as much as I do writing them. As always please like and share!
Happy New Year!
This month's story, BREAST-OBSESSED MAN CAPTURES A LEPRECHAUN delves into the old adage, be careful what you wish for.
READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED, NOT SUITABLE FOR ALL AUDIENCES
If you enjoy my short stories please consider trying my books, The Blood Prophecy series, and Inferno of Secrets.
BREAST-OBSESSED MAN CAPTURES A LEPRECHAUN
Johnathan Donahue had worked the streets of Dublin since the tender age of eight. His father was a chimney sweep who was gone to the pub as soon as he had a few shillings in his pocket. He was known to disappear for days at times with little concern of what his son was up to. The poor boy’s mother had died during childbirth, and it was truly a testament to his tenacious manner that he had survived under his father’s lack of care. Johnathan learned at an early age that stealing came quite naturally to him. He would wait for a noble to bend over to check some wares at the local street market, and, with the touch of a ghost and the grace of an artisan, would relieve the nobleman of his coin purse without the slightest notice.
Johnathan’s skills grew with the years. By the age of twenty-two, the young lad was pilfering a rather good living. Alas, it would have been a good living if he hadn’t followed in his father’s footsteps in his love of the drink. Johnathan was known at every Inn and pub in the city and had been tossed out of more than a few for his brawling behavior once he had overfilled himself with whisky. It wasn’t that Johnathan was violent by nature, even though he was a large man whose head just barely cleared the ceilings of most establishments. No, it wasn’t a bad temperament that got him into constant trouble. It was more his amorous that was his doom, for he could not resist the female form. He had little to no interest in an actual relationship with women or ever marrying. He had no patience for their minds and no tolerance for their mouths unless, of course, when they serviced him in ways that required no conversation. In fact, he only tolerated them for one reason and one reason alone, their breasts.
Of all the treasures in the world, it was breasts Johnathan loved the most. The bigger, the better. He would boast, “There are no bad breasts, no matter how small, but the bigger they are, I love them all the more.” It was this sentiment that was his downfall. The more he drank, the more expressive he became toward the young maidens in the pub with not only his words but his hands. He had been beaten many times for such disrespect, as well as being sent airborne by the Innkeeper right out the front door. He cared not, for whatever they did to him, if he couldn’t seduce himself a wench from the pub, he took no offense in parting with a shilling or two to the working girls out in the alley who had no expectation of such respectful treatment. Johnathan considered himself a lucky man for never having to deal with the trifle emotions that most men subjected themselves to, for he felt none of these so-called stirrings of love. He only knew need. What he wanted at that moment was all that mattered, and he would focus on whatever that one need was until it was fulfilled.
It was a cold drizzling morning in early March when Johnathan found himself warbling down Henry Street, still quite drunk from a night’s pub rousings, looking for his next unaware benefactor. It wasn’t long before he had spotted through the butcher’s window a noblewoman in the midst of buying a large fowl. The portly woman was reaching into an extra-large silk purse with her sausage-like fingers only to reappear with one large gold coin. The shine of it awoke Johnathan as surely as a bucket of cold water over the head. The butcher said something to the woman that Johnathan could not hear, but the young woman began to laugh, quickly covering her mouth with her hand. Her entire body jiggled in soft waves as she chuckled. Not only did seeing the coin create a sobering effect on Johnathan, but the gentle jiggling of the woman’s enormous breasts was more than he could resist. He made haste through the door of the butcher shop to procure his prize. Within a single breath, Johnathan had surmised that not only would he gain her coin but her voluptuous favor as well.
He burst through the door, setting the bells upon it in motion, which filled the small shop with an explosive sound that immediately caught the attention of the butcher and the fine young woman.
“A fine morning I bid you, good Sir!”
Johnathan removed his hat and bowed deeply before the young woman. “And a fine morning to you, most beautiful of ladies,” he said with such a sugared tongue that the young woman’s face turned as crimson as the fine shawl she bore about her neck. The woman giggled uncontrollably.
“You mind your manners, rogue. We have no need of any dishonest coin here,” said the butcher, being well acquainted with the likes of Johnathan Donahue and knowing how he earned his living as well as knowing that his interests in the young woman were less than sincere.
“Be gone with you before I call for the constable!” he said to Johnathan as he shook a heavy fist at him.
Johnathan bowed deeper before them both, “Oh please, good sir, would you turn out a man overtaken by love after seeing the face of this, dare I say, angel before me?”
The woman giggled and jiggled some more, and Johnathan could barely contain himself. The need in him rose with such heat that he knew there would be nothing that would keep him from the prize before him.
The butcher, however, had different thoughts and, without a word of notice, grabbed a length of hard salami and began to beat Johnathan about the head with hardy blows, chasing him back out through the door. In the throes of the butcher’s anger, he released the salami to the air to chase after the now-fleeing Johnathan. The length of salami flipped over end on end as it sailed through the air until hitting Johnathan squarely in the center of his back with a mighty thud more than halfway down the street. Johnathan slipped on the wet street as he was hit with the length of aged meat and fell forward on his knees to the ground. Without hesitation and with the speed of a fleeing thief, he scooped up the salami next to him before jumping back to his feet and running down the nearest alleyway. The butcher only gave chase for a moment more and quickly gave up since the elderly man could not keep up with the spry young vagabond.
Johnathan ran until he was out of the view of the butcher and stood breathless for a moment in the alley. Undeterred by the turn of events, he smiled as he looked at the length of salami he held in his hand and then backed down the alleyway. As most men would have seen this as a defeat, Johnathan saw this as an opportunity—he now had the needed food to invite the voluptuous woman to share a meal with him. He would have his hands on those breasts in no time, he thought. He closed his eyes and imagined for a moment how soft they would feel, and he shivered with excitement at the prospect, for breasts were, for Johnathan, a prize even more coveted than gold. Johnathon doubled back to the butcher’s shop just in time to watch the zaftig lady leaving the mercantile, her wide hips swayed toward the alley corner with the grace of an angel where he lay in wait.
Johnathan ducked behind the corner of a brownstone as he watched his deepest desire approaching. He felt his darkest needs rise up into his chest as his vision slowed to take in every breath of her. His heart pounded in his ears as his excitement squeezed upon his bowels and made the bile push up into his throat until he could no longer see anything but his own desperate desire. The closer his prey got, the more he became aware of all around him. From the corner of his eye, he watched a horse and cart filled with cabbage moving past him on the street as if wading through deep water. All the marketgoers seemed more like ghosts in a dream, with the steam of their breathing suspended in the cold morning air like snow. The pounding of all the hoofs and feet upon the cobblestone rang in his ears and, with the beauty of a sonnet, fell in rhythm with his now thundering pulse.
She was almost upon him when, without warning, he retreated into the shadow of the building and let her pass by. He watched her move past him – close enough to smell the sweet smell of honeysuckle from her hair. The salami fell from his hand to the ground with no notice by him. He was no longer interested in just inviting her for a meal. He now wanted more with no patience to spare. Johnathan held back and let her move down the street for several moments before he slipped out from the shadows, pulled the brim of his hat down to hide his face, and slowly began to follow her to her next destination. He followed her for a long while, ducking away when she stopped to inspect the goods of the market street or looked his way so that she wouldn’t notice him lurking behind her until, alas, she disappeared down a dank alleyway. He smiled to himself, now was his chance.
He took the long blade from the sheath by his side and tucked it up into the sleeve of his woolen coat. There were no more thoughts of persuasion on his part. He would take what he wanted as easily as he had always done, for he was a scholar of the streets, and theft was no longer his only intention. He had now graduated into wanting something more. The alleyway was a dark and dingy narrow corridor between the market streets to where the wealthy lived high above the peasants below. It was mid-morning, and the streets hustled and bustled with activity, yet the alleyway was barren and quiet and not commonly used since the area’s reputation for scoundrels and thieves was well known, and most stayed clear of them even by daylight. He thought nothing of the beautiful maiden’s choice to stray that way, thought nothing of why she seemed to have no fear even though she was certainly a woman of means and should have been more vigilant of her vulnerability. None of these things crossed his mind as he ducked down the alley in pursuit of his prize, for his mind was fixed on nothing but his desire to ravish her flesh.
Johnathan hurried behind the fair lady as she walked with little care of her surroundings. Just as he got close, he finally made his presence known by calling out to her.
“My dear lady, we meet again.”
Startled by the voice that filled the alleyway, she turned toward him and gasped. Before she could let out a scream or even take a breath, he pushed his blade into her frock and pushed her up against the cold and dripping wall. He smiled with triumph, he had his prize, and now he could, at last, relieve himself of his pent-up needs.
“Please, take what you will, but leave me unharmed,” she begged softly.
He heard none of her words for he was lost in the fantasy he had set into motion. He pressed the knife harder into her chest and grabbed at the buttons that covered her breasts, and with one swift tug, he tore them free and sent the buttons flying about the alley. She let out another gasp, and just as he filled his hand with the mounds of her bosom, he heard a male voice.
Shocked, Johnathan looked all about him to spy the man who’d spoken the words and saw that there was no one to be found. An uneasy fear crept up Johnathan’s spine, for this voice had burst him from his fine fantasy. He glared at the woman.
“What trickery is this?” he asked her.
The lovely woman had now grown pale, and the fear in her was plain to see on her face. Tears ran down her once rosy cheeks as she uttered words that puzzled her captor.
“Just let him have what he wants,” she begged.
It seemed clear to Johnathan that she wasn’t speaking to him but to someone that must have been in her head. He stepped back just a bit from her in wonderment of what demon she might possess, and as he did, he once again heard the male voice speak.
“I’ll allow not any harm to come to my love.”
Johnathan was filled with his own fear as he stepped back even farther, still holding the long knife pointed at her.
“What witchery is this?”
She answered him not, but instead reached her hand to her now exposed chest and lifted one of her massive breasts toward her chin. As it lifted, to Johnathan’s horror, a tiny red-haired man rolled out from underneath its shadow. He burst forth to the ground like an acrobat, twice flipping head over heel and rose with a bow to be standing before Johnathan. The little man was dressed fully in green with a black cocked hat and strange curled, pointed toes on his shoes. He held a stout knotty blackthorn shillelagh, in his tiny hand and waived both his arms outstretched in surrender before once again bowing before Johnathan.
“I relent to you, good sir. You have captured me fairly, and you have earned the right to my gold.”
The little man pulled from his pocket three pieces of gold coin, the same as Johnathan had seen the woman give to the butcher. The pint-sized man reached out with an extended arm, offering the gold coins to Johnathan.
“Take my gold and leave us be,” announced the man, whose voice was as large and deep as his own.
Johnathan gasped, knowing not what to think, and without hesitation, relieved the leprechaun of his bounty. But Johnathan was no fool, for it only took a moment before he understood that Lady Luck had come for a visit. With swift movement, Johnathan grabbed the shillelagh from his wee hands and pointed it back at the startled leprechaun.
“You offer me these crumbs when I know you possess an entire pot of gold! Why would I take a few pieces when you could give me all of your riches?”
“It is true, kind Sir, that I have such treasure, but it is kept in a secure location far, far from here,” begged the leprechaun.
“Fear not. I will spare you this one time to show you that I am truly not a beast. No, my good leprechaun, you and I are to become closely acquainted, and at each full moon, you will bring me more gold, or I will take my coin in the form of your dear woman’s flesh.” Johnathan pointed his long knife at the now sobbing woman. The leprechaun raised his hands high over his head in surrender, for the only true weapon of harm he had was now tightly in the grasp of his foe.
“I will honor your request,” said the little man, but only on the condition that you not harm my dear wife.”
“Wife? You of such small stature would be coupled to someone so much larger than one’s self?”
Johnathan laughed at the thought and, with a dismissive wave of his hand, said, “Then it would serve you well to yield to my demands, and as long as you serve me as your master, I will have no reason to harm your lovely wife. But deceive me, and I will hunt her down and cut out her heart.”
He grinned at the woman and she burst into a fresh set of tears.
The leprechaun did as Johnathan had asked, and each month on the full of the moon, he met with him in the alleyway to give him handfuls of gold. It was only the third time that they had met when Johnathan’s greed began to take the best of him.
“I want more gold, leprechaun.” He demanded. “You will bring me twice as much next time, or I will ravage your delicious wife while you watch.”
The leprechaun took heed and, without fail, brought twice as much gold as the time before. For a short time, all was well with the arrangement. But Johnathan was an insatiable man. The more gold he had to spend, the more drink and woman’s breasts he wanted. By this time, there had been many maidens in the city he had fondled for his entertainment before leaving the young women in a ditch with their throats cut. Johnathan would waste no coin on such indulgences now that he had traded his thieving ways in for the thrill of bloodshed. He had no limit, and it wasn’t long before he threatened the leprechaun once again.
“You will bring me three times as much gold, or I will cut those lovely breasts from your wife’s chest and put them in a fire before I feast upon them.”
The good leprechaun had worked hard for his gold and never squandered his earnings but saved every piece for his family’s safekeeping. He had seen what gold did to men and understood the power of greed better than most.
On the following full moon, the leprechaun met with Johnathan once more, but this time he brought no gold at all.
“I have served you well, sir, and I have done as you asked, but no matter how much gold I bring, you always want more.”
Johnathan was furious at the little man for his impertinence and began to yell.
“You will bring me more gold! Do you no longer care what becomes of your wife?”
The leprechaun gave no reply and instead bowed before him as he stepped aside to reveal his beautiful wife standing behind him. Johnathan, startled that he hadn’t seen her, stepped back in shock. The young woman stepped forward in front of him.
“If you return the shillelagh to me and leave us in peace forever more, then I will grant you you’re most desired wish.”
Johnathan thought for a moment, for he wasn’t going to be fooled by such a statement, and realized that he could have everything he could possibly ever want. Without hesitation, he handed her the shillelagh and began sputtering off what he wished for. “I want an impressive castle filled from top to bottom with gold as well as an endless supply of bountiful breasts!” he exclaimed with an excitement that roared in his belly.
Without word or judgment, the beautiful, big woman waved the shillelagh over her head three times in a circular motion before setting it down hard on the ground. An eerie green fog grew from the bottom of the shillelagh and spread out slowly across the ground. The alley shook, and a crackling sound filled the air like ice about to break upon a frozen pond. The green and yellow fog grew thicker and thicker until nothing could be seen, and the stench of sulfur burned at Johnathan’s eyes. It was several moments before the smoke lifted, and Johnathan found himself alone in the alley—the leprechaun and his wife were gone.
As promised, Johnathan received his castle, and as he asked, it was brimming with gold. But Johnathan was not pleased. In fact, he was very angry, for he had his gold, but not one single big-breasted maiden could be found in the whole of the castle.
“What trickery is this? I demand you show yourself, leprechaun!” he screamed up to the air. But no leprechaun came. No one came at all. In his anger, he poured cup after cup of the finest whiskey. The more he drank, the angrier he became, and once again, he screamed to the heavens. “I held up my end of the bargain! I gave back your magic shillelagh, and yet you swindle me of my most coveted bounty of fine breasts!”
Johnathan screamed and drank until the sun came up, but alas, his screams went unanswered. When he woke late in the day, he found a strange sensation upon his chest. With a heavy head, Johnathan picked himself up from the puddle of urine he had found himself in after his night of drinking and pulled the shirt from his back to see what the oddity was. And there, to his horror, stood upon his chest two of the most perfect and bountiful breasts he had ever seen. Terror rose through his mind. What curse was this? he thought. In a panic, he began to run about the castle looking for a mirror to examine his misfortune further. As he stood before the grand mirror, staring at what had become of him, his skin began to boil and dance, and right before his eyes, two more perfect breasts appeared right below the others. He let out a shriek. No sooner had the sound left his mouth but two more breasts appeared on each shoulder. Then two more on each arm and two more on his belly.
He screamed hysterically and ran about the castle looking for his knife, for this was an evil magic, and he was determined to cut the offending appendages from his manly flesh.
He screamed in pain as he sliced one of them off and then another, but with each that he removed, ten more instantly replaced it. Then ten more, and ten more, and soon Johnathan dripping in blood and screaming in agony, could not remove them fast enough, for they grew like mushrooms on the forest floor after a rain. More breasts grew and then even more until the whole of Johnathan’s body was covered before it finally stopped. Johnathan fell to the floor, exhausted and terrified. He cried like a child from the pain and horror of it but was at the same time relieved that the ordeal had finally ended. He sighed deeply and cursed to the air, “I will hunt you down, you she leprechaun, and beat the life from you with your shillelagh club!”
As Johnathan’s damning words filled the air, the bountiful breasts began to grow once more, this time upon his face. First, his forehead, then his cheeks, and then his mouth and nose until the air of his foul desires were no more, and the yelling had gone quiet. In that very instant, the castle disappeared, and all the gold magically found its way back to the leprechaun and his wife, who humbly smiled as they vanished down into the dark alleyway.